Bystanders, Etiquette and Civility in the Age of Fear

A wiser man than I once suggested that taking seemingly disconnected situations or observations and finding the common thread or connection between them is a very helpful way to solve some of life’s most difficult challenges. There is little doubt that we are living in epic times. The struggle for most of us to survive is not something we can relegate to the past. Not only is it evident in the developing world, we can touch it with our own hands, see it with our own eyes, and we can also walk away from it because we have no room left in our minds for any more misery. 

We have a huge opportunity and a lot of work ahead of us if we want our legacy not to be leaving the next generation with less ability to live more fulfilling lives, feel greater safety and enjoy the freedoms that living in a civil society provides. This daunting glimpse into the future is what sustains the culture of fear in which we are struggling to survive. The feelings that accompany this culture can be overwhelming. 

One of the results of living this way is that a high number of people, for the very valid reason of personal safety, choose to take on the role of the bystander. They can watch; they can become involved if conditions align with their own levels of comfort; or they can turn a blind eye. But once they have become aware of a situation, they cannot become unaware. 

But this does not have to be our legacy. We hold all the power required to bring a great deal of peace to our world, certainly to our communities. Bystanders have the greatest opportunity to make a difference in how we shape our future. To make it feel safe for people to come out and speak up about the reasons for the fear, we need to build clear pathways of communication in all aspects of our lives. Civil discourse must be taught in our schools and required in our workplaces. Mutual respect between co-workers helps ensure greater productivity and all of the benefits that trickle down. 

If we are having difficulty communicating our feelings and are not being given ample space to voice our opinions, then we need safe spaces do this. There are many community groups that encourage the citizenry to get involved in the important social matters of the day. They also can be a direct conduit to assistance for those who need support, especially mental and emotional support. Living in a chronic state of fear more often than not leads to addiction of one kind or another to make it possible to simply cope. The mind boggles. 

The actions of providing a safe haven at home, of changing the culture of a work environment from one of disfunction to one of productivity on every level – physical, emotional and spiritual, and of bringing emotional intelligence to our schools so that students learn to be creative and innovative, not just learn the tricks to passing a test are all ways of changing from being a bystander to becoming an activist. How else will we as a society know where we stand and how we feel about things if most of us are hushed up in shadows? We can’t! 

These can all happen if we all decide that this is the right thing to do. This momentum has already started. As it grows, and as more and more people come out of the shadows and become truly engaged in their lives, a wave of civility washes in. Like some magic trick, it is okay to be respectful of one another; diversity and inclusivity are honored and recognized as strengths, not liabilities; safety – including safety from poverty, domestic violence and the world of addiction – becomes the responsibility of everyone in the community. There really is safety in numbers, and when the bystanders become active leaders, that safety only increases.

For those of us who want to see identifiable progress within society, the majority of us lean toward civility as a barometer to see how we’re doing. One major component of civility is the set of etiquette guidelines, which over the past 100 or so years, have greased the wheels of accepted social behaviour. The purpose was not so much to be snooty or highbrow as it was to not be rude. As we become engaged in greater numbers in immediately positive and long-range more sustainable life styles, we can encourage more and more people to do the same. 

Most importantly have compassion for others as well as plenty of self-compassion. We all must be allowed to move at our own pace, which we alone should choose. If we were all born with the same set of birthrights, does it not also become our responsibility to actively preserve them? Yes, when we can.

Eating and Dining – One and the Same?

Eating is essential for our survival. What we eat varies depending on where we live, food availability, our ability to purchase or otherwise acquire food, and other factors including personal taste and religious restrictions. Most of us eat when we’re hungry - three times a day if we’re lucky. Thank goodness some of us enjoy shopping for the freshest local produce or the best deals, preparing nutritious meals, and washing up the dishes. 

Dining takes eating to a higher level. We take the time to taste the delicate balance of flavors; we savor the gentle waft of various herbs and spices; we bask in listening to interesting conversations; and we enjoy the camaraderie of connecting with family and friends. The bonus to these actions is better digestion and nutrient absorption. 

We were recently included in a beautiful celebration of the Twelfth Night of Christmas. The friends who invited us to this annual event know how to host a dinner party to perfection. I am always amazed at the originality and eye-stopping vision when I first walk into the intimate dining room. The ambiance of the room and the meticulous eye to detail fills my mind with imagining what we will be eating that evening. I love food, especially delicious food, as it naturally leads to scintillating conversation.

For a variety of reasons, we usually don’t take the time to enjoy dining. This is a shame. We have made soccer practice, hockey games, working a second job and other activities priorities; however, we don’t make sitting down at the dinner table as a family or community the same priority. Eating on the fly, gulping down a pizza or heating up leftovers have become the norm. We should look at these pick-up meals as an exception to the family meal, but as with too many abnormalities, we normalize them and suddenly they’re acceptable.

Never before has it been so important to enjoy a meal together as a group. Families need to bond as do all relationships if they are to become and remain healthy. The world is a scary place for most of us and we must seek comfort by connecting with other people. The dinner table is the perfect place to do this. 

A few simple guidelines will help you move from eating to dining with surprisingly little effort. The first step is to decide that connecting with your family is important. Children should be able to manage forks and knives with some dexterity by the time they reach the age of 4 or 5. Teaching them to use cutlery correctly can be tricky, especially today when parents find this simple maneuver a challenge. 

Although many people don’t think it matters how forks and knives are handled, it is important. Aside from making it easier to convey the food from the plate to the mouth with spilling, smearing or otherwise missing the target, it also is less of a visual distraction to your fellow diners. Who wants to watch people gobble down food like animals? It may be efficient, but it’s not good manners. I can assure you that an added benefit to proper table manners is the increased chance of landing a better job. Yes, interviews are often conducted over a meal. This choice is not because the potential boss is worried that you may be hungry. It is because the simple task of eating should be done easily and go unnoticed. If such a simple task cannot be completed with little effort, a boss might wonder what other simple tasks the applicant failed to learn as a child.

Another critical reason to dine together is to develop the skill of civil discourse – learning to speak without the need to raise your voice. Discussions should be respectful. Avoid topics that are likely to ignite an argument. There is nothing wrong with a lively debate, but the dinner table may not be the best place to do this. After all, for optimal digestion and nutrient absorption, you need to be calm and relaxed. Save the debate for another time. Conversations can allow everyone to voice their opinion, share what we’ve been doing for the day, and discuss how we feel about our lives and our relationships.

We can also enjoy the visuals of a beautifully set table, the smells emanating from the kitchen and taste of a delicious home-cooked meal. We take the time to wash our hands and clean up before we sit down. This is out of respect for those who allowed us to enjoy the fruits of their labors. It is also out of respect for our fellow diners. They are ones, after all, who have to look at us. We should try to look our best, or at least look respectable.

We all must eat to survive. If we want to just get through life, eating is sufficient. If we want to savor life and thrive, then taking the time to turn eating into dining will not disappoint. Bon appetit!